Love Beyond the Roses: Understanding Love Through St. Valentine, Christ, and Emotion Regulation

By Dr. Rudy Wietfeldt

Every year, on St. Valentine’s Day, millions of people exchange flowers, chocolates, and heartfelt messages. But beyond the romance and commercialized gestures, this day has a deeper, richer history—one that is rooted in sacrifice, faith, and enduring love.

Love is more than a fleeting emotion—it is a commitment, a choice, and, ultimately, a reflection of God’s love for us. By looking at love through the lens of St. Valentine’s sacrifice, Christ’s ultimate act of love, and Homeostatic & Hedonic Emotion Regulation Theory (HERT+), we gain a clearer understanding of how to cultivate lasting, meaningful love in all areas of life.

The Story of St. Valentine: A Love Rooted in Sacrifice

Many people don’t realize that St. Valentine’s Day is named after a Christian martyr who lived during the 3rd century under the rule of Roman Emperor Claudius II. At the time, Claudius had outlawed marriage for young men, believing that unmarried soldiers were more loyal and effective in battle.

St. Valentine, a Catholic priest, defied the emperor’s decree by secretly performing Christian marriages for couples who wished to enter into the sacrament of Holy Matrimony. He saw love not as a fleeting passion, but as a sacred, God-given bond that deserved protection. (Hence the sacrament of Holy Matrimony.)

His defiance led to his arrest, imprisonment, and eventual execution on February 14, around the year 269 AD. Before his death, legend says that he healed the blind daughter of his jailer and signed a note to her, “From your Valentine.”

St. Valentine’s legacy is one of self-sacrificial love, faith, and commitment to God’s truth. His life reminds us that love isn’t always easy—it often requires sacrifice, courage, and endurance.

But the greatest example of sacrificial love we have doesn’t come from St. Valentine—it comes from Jesus Christ.

The Greatest Love: Christ’s Sacrifice for Us

In a world that often portrays love as self-seeking and conditional, Christ showed us the opposite. His love was selfless, unconditional, and eternal.

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." – John 15:13

Importantly, Jesus didn’t do this for all of us collectively: He did it for you and for me… He did it for each of us, and would have done it even for just ONE of us! Take that in. Really take that in.

Jesus didn’t just preach about love—He lived it. His death on the cross was the greatest act of love ever displayed. He willingly endured suffering not because we deserved it, but because His love is perfect.

Through Christ, we learn that real love is not based on emotions alone—it is an intentional act of self-giving.

What does this mean for us?

• “Love” is not about convenience—it is about commitment.
• “Love” is not about temporary pleasure—it is about sacrifice.
• “Love” is not about fleeting emotions—it is about choosing to love even when it is difficult.

Whether in marriage, friendship, or family relationships, we are called to love as Christ loves.

Love as an Emotion: More Than Just a Feeling

In modern society, love is often reduced to passion, attraction, or emotional highs. But love, in its fullest sense, is so much more.

The Greeks had multiple words for love, each describing a different aspect:

• Eros – Romantic or passionate love
• Philia – Deep friendship and brotherly love
• Storge – Familial love (between parents and children)
• Agape – Selfless, sacrificial love (the love of Christ)

Each form of love serves a purpose, but all share a common function: love bonds us to others, fosters commitment, and calls us to sacrifice for the good of another.

Through Homeostatic & Hedonic Emotion Regulation Theory (HERT+), we understand that love, like all Emotions, has a Message and an Objective.

• Message: “This person is very important. Stay close, stay connected, stay sacrificial.”
• Objective: To build, strengthen, and maintain meaningful relationships and to truly will the good of the other.

But for love to last, it must be regulated and nurtured.

The Illusion of Love: When Emotions Mislead

Many people misunderstand love by treating it as purely emotional or self-serving. Hollywood romances and modern culture often promote the idea that love is about constant excitement, validation, or effortless compatibility.

This leads to dangerous emotional illusions, such as:

• “Love” without commitment = Infatuation (By the way, infatuation is the most powerful drug known)
• “Love” based on validation = Neediness
• “Love” without self-control = Destructive attachment

True love, whether romantic, familial, or spiritual, requires emotional regulation. Without it, relationships begin to fall apart soon after difficulties arise. Those initial cracks deepen without regulation and nurturance. (To regulate means to control or supervise; to nurture means to care for and encourage the maintenance and growth of.)

St. Valentine’s and Christ’s example teach us that real love is not just about feelings—it is about choosing to do good for others, even when it is difficult – perhaps especially when it is difficult.

Love and Emotional Regulation: The Key to Lasting Connection

How do we cultivate lasting love? Here are three essential principles from HERT+ and Christian wisdom:

1. Model Christ’s Love in Our Relationships

Christ’s love was patient, kind, and forgiving—even when undeserved. If we model His love, we must:

• Forgive quickly instead of holding grudges (Ephesians 4:32).
• Serve others selflessly, even when inconvenient (Philippians 2:3-4).
• Remain faithful, choosing love even when emotions fade (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

When love is grounded in Christ, commitment, and emotional regulation, it endures through every trial.

2. Love as a Choice, Not Just a Feeling

C.S. Lewis said, “Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did.”

This applies to all relationships—romantic, familial, and friendships. The key to maintaining love isn’t just to feel it but to act in love daily.

• Show kindness when you don’t feel like it.
• Choose patience when you’d rather be frustrated.
• Give when it’s inconvenient.
• Remember: it is not about you, it is about the other!

These actions fortify relationships, keeping love alive, resilient, and continuously growing—even when the feeling of love ebbs or becomes overshadowed by other emotions. Truly caring for another is often far more challenging than we ever anticipated, requiring deep effort and perseverance. In moments of sadness or loneliness, the weight of love’s demands can feel overwhelming. A weary mind may whisper, “Maybe it’s time to give up.” And temptation is always near, whispering seductively, “Look over there! Perhaps love would be easier with someone else.”

But don’t be deceived. This is the same old sales pitch from the original deceiver, the original marketing specialist of the apple—the one who lured Eve with the promise of something better, only to lead her into the great fall.

Using HERT+, knowing that sadness and loneliness have specific messages and functions, we can learn to properly listen and adapt to what is going on in our relationships without quickly abandoning them in hopes of something easier.

3. Root Your Love in God, Not Just in Others

Human love, on its own, is imperfect and fragile. But when we root our love in Christ, it becomes strong, enduring, and transformative.

"We love because He first loved us." – 1 John 4:19

When we love through Christ, we reflect His perfect love to the world—whether in marriage, friendships, or daily interactions.

Conclusion: Love That Endures

On this St. Valentine’s Day, let’s go beyond the clichés of romance and embrace real love—the kind that is Christ-centered, self-sacrificial, and enduring.

Love isn’t just about grand gestures; it’s about choosing to reflect the love of Christ—a love that is patient, forgiving, and unwavering.

If you want to deepen your understanding of emotions and relationships, Emotion Made Simple can help. With tools from Homeostatic & Hedonic Emotion Regulation Theory, you’ll learn to appropriately manage love and all your emotions with clarity and purpose.

Because when we understand how emotions work, we can use them as guiding tools—not just fleeting experiences or things to try to shove down and ignore.

May your love be strong, steady, and deeply rooted in Christ this St. Valentine’s Day. Stay tuned for more this month as future blog posts will elaborate on HERT+ and relationships. Feel free to sign up below for immediate notification of new blogs, bonus materials, and other happenings.

A Happy St. Valentine’s to family, friends, patients, colleagues – indeed, to all reading this --and especially to my Bride, Lisa, who has taught me and showed me what real love is and should be! I LOVE YOU!